This year I’ve had to fight through emotions I didn’t even know existed. I’ve had to pick myself up again and again. I haven’t given up yet, even though I feel exhausted and every part of me wants to. I’d say it’s been the hardest year yet.
Back in May I decided to start counselling after the latest episode of depression hit. I was almost excited and naive to think a few months later, my issues would be out and I’d feel free and ready to move on.
What I’ve learned seven months in, healing is messy. I don’t know who I am anymore, at least previous episodes ended and I’d have months of happiness and laughter, now I’m left with never ending turmoil, I’m in constant overwhelm, a dysregulated nervous system. I’m scared that I will never find myself again. It’s like being a stranger in your own body, who am I underneath all of this?!
People who know me now, never got to see the me before, they just see this messy complicated person.
I miss the old me.
sairyd 