“I think I knew it was getting bad again when the fog came back, the crows flew away, and the darkness started to attack. When a simple conversation became exhausting, and I avoided all human contact. And when I began to wonder if I’ll ever get my permanent smile back”.
And just like that it returned, slowly creeping up on me. first I felt just a little bit low, then my self esteem started to erode, the smiling turned to crying, and my thoughts began to consume me. The black dog had returned, only this time it has come with a vengeance, far worse than I have ever previously experienced.
In the past I could still think fairly rationally, and if I couldn’t, I knew it would only last for a short period of time, but this round feels different, I am completely consumed, drowning in an infinite ocean, sinking to the bottom, my arms and legs like lead, unable to stop my descent.
I battle between my thoughts of ‘yes I can do this’ to ‘this will never get any better’. The fear of the future compounds me. I can’t imagine a life of feeling happy. I am swamped by passive suicidal thoughts, my mind constantly looking for a way to escape this nightmare.
Depression has transformed a typically happy and outgoing person into someone who is sad, withdrawn and frustrated with life.
I have so many wonderful friends, people who have come alongside me, and got me through each day, but even that comes with a guilt, the nagging feeling of letting people down. I am being a burden. The sense people are being there out of a sense of duty, how their hearts must sink, at having to see or speak to me. I want to protect the people around me, by disappearing until I can bring something positive to their lives again.
And so I continue to be suffocated by the black dog, too weak to fight it off. Instead I lay down hoping it will get bored and retreat from me once again.
sairyd 