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19 Apr

‘Forget everything and run’

‘Face everything and rise’

“A comfort place is a beautiful thing, but nothing ever grows there”.

Anxiety can be crippling. It has can hold us back from the big things and the little things in our life. It is natural everyone suffers from some anxiety in their lives, if you are in a stressful situation or worried about something. However chronic anxiety is when this starts to enter every part of your life. From the moment, you wake up until the moment you sleep.

I first experienced crippling anxiety when I had a bad experience on a missionary trip to Africa. Although perfectly innocent it was my first trip so far from home in a totally different surrounding. I had suffered no anxiety or nerves leading up to this trip, but after arriving in Namibia my friends who I was with got directed to the exit in the airport and I was diverted to a tiny room unable to alert them. There security guards in rubber gloves made me open my case and went through my entire belongings I had on me. Although they obviously did these as random checks to many people and I was allowed, to go straight after, something in my head exploded. I felt in great danger. I was very homesick the few weeks I was away and was absolutely convinced I would not make it home. Either someone would plant something in my case and set me up.  The paranoia was intense. It made me sick, I got ill, and lost lots of weight. Of course, I made it home and thought great I am safe.

But this anxiety followed to me. It kept me awake at night, exhausted me. Something terrible was going to happen. I went from a confident outgoing person to a crippling mess. If I drove I was convinced I had hit someone, or hurt them. In my job, I was worried what I was feeling would end up in the letters I typed, that I would make a grave error. It led to catastrophic thinking in thinking the worst that could happen in any situation. In 2010, 4 years since I had travelled I had the opportunity to go to Florida and decided to take it. I was with two of my sisters and two friends. I was nervous about going but as soon as I arrived I knew it was a mistake. Panic set in, I felt trapped like I couldn’t’ breathe. I was on the holiday of a lifetime year every part was torture to me.

I knew something had to change. I felt I had no quality of life. I had lost all my confidence and became deeply depressed. To be blunt life didn’t feel worth living and the thought of ending it all seemed very appealing. A way out from the permanent darkness I was in.

“Anxiety is the most silently painful experience. It makes no sense and you sit there alone and suffer for an unknown reason. You can’t explain it. You can’t stop it. It’s horrible”.

After visiting the GP who was very understanding, he set me up to have six sessions of CBT. I felt quite sceptical that NOTHING or NO ONE could ever help me live a ‘normal’ anxiety-free life. It was the best decision I ever made. To sit and talk to someone and literally spill out all the scariest thoughts that I had built up and know I wouldn’t be judged was such a relief, to untangle the wires in my brain that had become so tied up, so many knots. I learnt anxiety is simply just fear. My brain giving me the wrong signals. I had got used to thinking this way all the time.

I set myself goals including going on a cruise for a week and for the first time in a long time I felt I enjoyed it. I then changed jobs as my currently job was not helping my mental health and situation.

“Fear… is born of a story we tell ourselves, and so I chose to tell myself a different story … I decided I was safe. I was strong. I was brace”.

I am not saying I don’t ever suffer from, or get anxiety at all. It is always there but I now have a good quality of life. I can generally talk sense into myself when it gets too much although there have been times since I have had moments of relapses. I never thought I would get up day-to-day and not feel crippled the moment I started my day.

There are many people out there suffering anxiety right now and not living a good quality of life, unable to reach their potential. I would strongly recommend CBT. I have also learnt that anxiety is a liar.


When we avoid situations, we are confirming in our mind that our anxiety is true. It is small steps. However, in order to conquer our fears, we have to face them. I don’t know what your situation may be, there are so many different things that affect us as individuals. I still really dislike travelling, I really don’t like it however I do it, it’s not necessarily an enjoyment but I will never recover or put my anxiety to bed unless I push myself.

“You gain strength, courage & confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.  You are able to say to yourself, I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along. You must do the thing you think you cannot do”. – Eleanor Roosevelt

“Some day your pain will become the source of your strength. Face it. Brave it. YOU WILL MAKE IT”.


Meditation & Mental Health

5 Apr

Yoga is not only used as exercise but has also been known to have a large positive impact on mental health wellbeing because of its calming, relaxing techniques and sense of community. It can help restore mind and body harmony.

Different poses in yoga can help different parts of the body with its focuses on breathing, physical and mental ability. Many people have been helped through depression, stress and anxiety because of the positive benefits of yoga.

When a person suffers from depression some of the common symptoms are lack of sleep so you feel tired a lot of the time, difficulty in concentration, negative thoughts and irritable. This can also then make you feel extremely stressed, uptight and tense, the depression and stress could then make a person feel anxious. Life can feel out of control causing fear and panic.

Yoga has both physical and mental disciplines. So much can happen in people’s lives throughout a day whether it is caring for family, health issues, and work stress. Yoga disciplines people to take time out, instead of thinking and worrying all the time. Dealing with depression, stress or anxiety can put your body under so much strain alone. Thinking constantly and worrying about situations before they occur, erratic breathing, feelings of tiredness and hopelessness, life these days can feel like you are on a rollercoaster that goes round constantly with no time to stop and think. This is where yoga can really work, by taking from 5 minutes as and when you get time up to over an hour a day depending on a person’s time and routine helps you to stop and solely focus.

One of the big things yoga concentrates on is breathing. It helps calm and focus the mind giving relief. If you are feeling very anxious usually your breathing will be quite erratic. Yoga will help regulate breathing and regulate tension by using various postures. One popular posture used is sitting down on the floor or lying flat, letting your body relax and take deep breaths through the nose, breathing slowly and deeply brings oxygen to the lowest part of your lungs and exercises your diaphragm. The yoga breathing teaches us to breathe through the nose, to lengthen our exhalation, increasing our physical and mental health. By concentrating solely on your breath as you inhale and exhale you learn to focus on the breathing and relax rather than on the feelings of anxiety and stress. Breathing exercises are something that can be practised anywhere, so if stress at work was a factor it can even be practised sitting in an office chair.

When a person is stressed some of the symptoms can be a faster heartbeat, increased blood pressure, difficulty relaxing and focusing the mind, headaches and tense muscles. Some episodes of the stress and the symptoms can then cause anxiety and depression. Yoga helps decrease physiological arousal – that’s the heart rate, blood pressure, and respiration. In order to change exaggerated stress response it is necessary to become familiar with relaxation. Yoga practice provides the time and space to experience the sensations of the body, and to interpret them. Is the breath short, are the muscles tense?

By learning to relax in yoga this reduces production of stress hormone cortisol and improves the ability to manage stressful situations as well as other benefits which can come along with stress, anxiety and depression such as, greater energy and focus, improved muscle tone and cardiovascular health. Greater levels of happiness, self-confidence and an increase in job satisfaction.

Everyone suffers from anxiety at one point or another in their life but chronic anxiety can have quite an impact on the body after a while. When people have a lot of anxiety and do not exercise this causes tense muscles, constricted breathing and the mind never rests because of all the thoughts and feelings that come along with it. Yoga with music is great for anxiety, playing music that a person enjoys and finds particularly relaxing helps sooth the body. People with anxiety can try to keep busy to escape what they are feeling and thinking but it has been said that yoga helps the body to access an inner strength. This can help face the overwhelming thoughts, fears and frustrations of everyday life. By practising the exercises that yoga recommends daily this causes the body to release tensions from the large muscle groups and increase feelings of well-being, and encourage the body to breathe deeply.

In his book The Science of Yoga, writer William Broad assesses yoga’s ability to improve our mental health. He said:

*“The portrait that emerges from the decades of mood and metabolic studies is of a discipline that succeeds brilliants at smoothing the ups and downs of emotional life. It uses relaxation, breathing and postures to bring about an environment of inner bending and stretching. The current evidence seems to suggest that yoga can reduce despair and hopelessness to the point of saving lives”.* – The Science of Yoga, The risks & rewards by William J Broad – Page 87

A Battle with the Black Dog

26 Jul

A lot of people would have heard of the term or seen the video called ‘I had a black dog, his name was depression’ where writer and illustrator tells the story of overcoming ‘The Black Dog of Depression’.

The Black Dog Campaign reduces the stigma surrounding mental illness and encourages people to seek help early, rather than suffering in silence.

The campaign aims are:

  • Reduce stigma, prejudice and exclusion
  • Encourage more people to seek help
  • Educate members of the public – #StopStigma
  • Take mental health into schools, colleges and the workplace
  • Change perceptions of mental illness
  • Demonstrate the importance of research
  • Involve young people in mental health
  • Change attitudes of future generations

The subject of Mental Health is a big passion of mine. It is something sadly I have had to go through myself with my own battle with depression and anxiety. 1 in 4 people will suffer from a mental health issue in their life.

My first experience of depression was in my mid-teens, I remember feeling so awfully low and a regular feeling of thinking ‘I don’t want to be here’. I was unhappy at school and lived in a different village to my college so only knew one or two people where I lived which was very isolating and I struggled academically in most of my subjects. I never told anyone how I felt at that age I did not understand and just hoped things would pick up. Through sixth form it was a little better but I just wanted to get away from college and into the world of work.

I became much happier once I started a full time job and for a few years sailed along quite nicely, things seemed to be good. At the age of 18 I found my faith and was baptised in 2004, I felt I had a purpose in my life, and although times were not always here I felt I had more of an inner strength. In 2006 and at the age of 20 I went on a missionary trip to Namibia for the summer. This involved staying in an orphanage, visiting AIDS patients in the villages and taking food, as well as other activities. I was never prepared emotionally for this trip, I felt very chilled. It wasn’t until I had I had a bad experience at the airport which was very hostile and involved taking me to an enclosed room for a search of my suitcase that I my first real experience anxiety hit. I was okay the first day, and then thereafter I suddenly felt in danger, I was a long way from home and was absolutely petrified. I couldn’t eat, and was regularly sick from panic. The fear was indescribable. I spent the entire rest of the trip feeling like this and it was torture. A few weeks later I landed back in the UK and felt a huge sigh of relief like I was safe again.

However as time went on I realized it had followed me home, the anxiety was chronic, I felt in danger every moment of every day, fear that I had done something wrong or had made a mistake somehow and it ate me up. This soon led to a very dark time in my life. I find it hard to describe just how dark that place was. The thought of ending it all went through my head on a daily basis, it wasn’t necessarily that I did not want to be here but I had no quality of life the way I was feeling. This went on a good few years. I tried to go abroad a couple of times again to battle my phobia of airports and holidays just felt like torture the same fear and panic attacks would come back, something is going to happen, there is no way I can get home.

I could be surrounded by a great group of people but never felt so alone and isolated. People who saw me day to day in my job would never know the turmoil I was going through, not even some of my friends knew the torture I was feeling. It was like a constant black cloud that followed me. There were times I felt in utter distress. It was only when I started getting really dark thoughts about suicide I decided to see a GP who was absolutely brilliant, he did an assessment which showed I was severely depressed and had generalized anxiety disorder and symptoms of OCD. It was many situations that led to this point. Not just the anxiety, but a mixture of life events in this time. After trying counselling which did not work for me I went for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for six weeks. This was the best thing I ever did. Finally someone I felt could get inside my head and untangle all the knots where it had gone wrong. I could talk freely and no matter how insane it sounded I knew my Therapist understood. He set me exercise and goals to achieve.

One of these was changing jobs and another to go abroad again. I went to Florida with some family again to see a friend and it was the first time I loved a holiday in a long time. So much so I achieved my main goal to travel on my own and meet my friend out there for a couple of weeks before flying back.

I felt at a time I would never lead a normal life. My anxiety/depression has never completely gone, it is always there, that black dog lingering in the distance waiting, but I feel I have techniques now and I have never stopped taking my medication. There are times when that black cloud comes over me again and it will last a good few days, and no matter how awful it feels, I know that glimpse of light will shine through again.

Depression/Anxiety is a cruel illness. It is such a dark place, and people who do not understand will tell you cheer up, it isn’t that bad etc. Unfortunately the brain does not work that way. In this day in age, the pressure is so high and constant.

In the past couple of years I have known or known of people who have had friends/family who has taken their own life, and it literally breaks my heart. The thought that someone feels there is absolutely no way out. There is a saying “They say suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem”. We will never know the torture a person goes through before deciding that there is no way out, why a person walks in front of a train, or out to sea and the unanswered questions and guilt left on loved ones left behind.

Depression can still be such a taboo subject, and there needs to be more help out there and openness to talk about our feelings no matter how dark they may be. I long ago went on a STOP suicide workshop, a campaign, a pledge where you say “I’d ask”, meaning if someone came to me and said ‘I feel hopeless’ or ‘I do not want to be here anymore’ instead of saying oh don’t be silly, I would respond and dare to ask someone if they were getting thoughts of ending their life?! We need to be more open to ask the question and maybe more lives could be saved if only we could tell somebody and not feel guilty and ashamed.

Note: The cure for asthma is not “just breathe!” and the cure for cancer is not “stop growing those cells!” Similarly, the cure for depression is not, “just be happier!”, and the cure for anxiety is not, “stop worrying so much!” These are not phases of life for teenagers and the weak-minded; they are serious chronic medical illnesses.

People who die by suicide do not want to end their lives; they want to end their pain.

Stephen Fry once said “If you know someone who is depressed please resolve never to ask them why. Depression is not a straightforward response to a bad situation; depression just is, like the weather. Try to understand the blackness, hopelessness and loneliness they are going through. Be there for the when they come through the other side. It is hard to be a friend to someone who is depressed, but it is one of the kindest noblest and best things you will ever do.

It is tough if you have never suffered this way to understand how a depressed or anxious person is feeling but today let us stand together, look out for the signs, and speak up if we need it. There is support and as isolating as it feels, there are many people going through a similar situation.

Today if someone talks about ending their life, no matter how attention seeking, you think it is, let’s take the pledge and say “I’d ask”, let us open our eyes and break the taboo of mental health and like Stephen Fry said be kind and noble for people who need us.