A journey of therapy and healing

Today I had my 18th session of counselling. I thought when I started it would only last a few months and I’d be on my way to a happy life free of anxiety and depression. However it’s taken 18 sessions to feel like I’m finally making progress. I’ve had to delve deep into some very uncomfortable places, in order to piece together where my triggers are coming from. The main thing I’ve realised on this journey is that I had suppressed an awful lot of pain and trauma.

So what have I learnt on this journey?

• Most importantly that however much you try and suppress your feelings and emotions, they will always catch you up.
• The years’ of mental abuse I suffered never left me, but I have learnt to realise it wasn’t my fault, and that I didn’t deserve what happened. I also realise, there is absolutely nothing I could of done that would have made those people change towards me.
• The way I still react to situations to this day, because I’m scared and fearful of letting people down, of being a disappointment or not being good enough.
• I want to be different. I don’t want to the attitude of ‘well that is just who I am’. I am aware of how my behaviour and negativity effects those around me, and I desperately want to change and better myself. I can also be very stubborn and difficult, in a self-sabotage sort of way, because if someone loses their patience with me, it confirms what I believe about myself. I know this is deeply unhealthy and I am determined to change this.
• I have had to let go of people from my life who I realised were still hurting me. It hasn’t been easy, and I have had to work through the guilt I feel, as well as realising I can’t heal when I keep going back and getting hurt over and over. I have so many positive friendships and people in my life now, all who are such a big part of this journey and healing, I feel indebted to them.
• I have learnt that as well as having compassion for other people, I need to have compassion for myself. I give an awful lot of time as a way of distracting myself from own issues, but I need to take time, to work on myself and not neglect how I am feeling.
• I can’t go back and change things I have suffered in the past, but I can try and change who I want to be in the future.

I still have a long way to go. These are only a few things that I have realised. There is a huge amount of personal conversations in counselling that wouldn’t be right to share, but I am so glad I have stuck with the journey.

What am I doing to help myself?

• I am planning to take time to look after myself, so I don’t burn out or get so overwhelmed that my brain goes into shut down to help me cope.
• Through CBT I am working to turn my thoughts around, instead of being on a hamster wheel of constant negativity.
• I am currently doing couch to 5k so help my mental health, I have always hated exercise, but it is helping me work off the stress I am feeling.
• I have joined a weekly swim group, to improve my techniques.
• I have found a great church, with a fantastic support network.
• I am going to look at implementing things into my life to build my confidence.

Things are not magically better. I still fight passive suicidal thoughts daily. I haven’t quite learned to love who I am, or be content on where I am yet. The worries I have for the future still exist and still overwhelm me. There are days where I feel I may not survive this journey. I feel if I don’t rush getting better, people will frustrated or bored with ‘depressed old me’. The winter months are particularly tough but I am going to try and look after myself and do what I can to get through.

I’ll end with this by someone called Mitchell C Clark.

When you’re honest with yourself, the healing begins. One day you’ll wake up and realise that the beautiful lies you’ve been using to protect yourself don’t serve you anymore. One day you’ll realise that that you are ready to step into your full truth, so that you can live into your full potential. One day you’ll decide that you’re ready to have the honest, difficult, and uncomfortable conversations with yourself that will help you to grow. One day you’ll decide that you’re ready to face the complicated emotions that you’ve been running away from. One day you’ll commit to loving every version of yourself that has ever existed.